Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Had an epiphany today.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.