Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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Stop.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I’m not stressed
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.