Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.