Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume