Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER