Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

😆

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain