Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

i love modern commerce

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

went fishing caught a bass

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

LOOOOOOL

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

I’m having an out of money experience.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not