[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Good lord
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!