[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure