[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.