Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

🐶😂

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.