*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]