*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.