(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
do horses think humans are hats
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This could be us, but you weedin’.
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER