Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.