(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
![]()
You Might Also Like
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..![]()
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
![]()
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Trumpy Cat
![]()
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time