Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I don’t think my car can fly

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.