[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.