[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.