@Cycloptomese

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

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@DanMentos

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

@david8hughes

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.

@fillthevacuum

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

@carlyken

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

@Rollinintheseat

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

@robfromonline

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room