[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Beware of the dog..