[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.