[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
🤣🤣🤣
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
#NoRestForTheWicked
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.