Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.