[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Does your wife know you’re single?
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or