Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH