Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk