Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?