Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

🤷‍♀️

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Stop.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave