Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

iPhone X

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking