Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stressed

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

“A little help here, Danny?”

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

this is 10/10 content no notes

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.