*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber