Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.