*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.