@IamEveryDayPpl

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

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@ArfMeasures

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@iinkedZombie

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

@RandomAntics

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

@2friedroomies

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun