MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun