*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

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MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird


Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for


Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies


gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination


me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine


Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun