[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
For anyone who needs this today
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.