Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

thoughts?

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

My wedding will be open casket.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

u spoke cat all this time??????

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.