[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.