[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
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I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
🤣🤣
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you