Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind