Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

mood

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Good dog. ❤️