I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.