Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
You Might Also Like
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
What if the weather talks about us?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face