We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.