Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
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[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
me when the borders lift
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime