Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
mumsnet is amazing
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Tough love is true love
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago