Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.