Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?