Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Pro tip for my good boys out there
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess