Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.