*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time