*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers