Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing