[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
me after eating Cheetos
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.