Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

New Tinder profile.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

liiiiiiiiike

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.