Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.