Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?