Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

If you breakdance you buy dance.

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

they really do be looking like this

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*