Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk