[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
You Might Also Like
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
sistine chapel
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Morning my dudes.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.