[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.