Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?