Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.