Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

i prefer mine room temperature.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy