Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start