ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates