@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

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@markhoppus

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

@DancesWithTamis

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

@RidiculousSheri

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@causticbob

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@Marlebean

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”