Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.


In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz


Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.


My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.


“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.


I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”