[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.