@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

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@nbadag

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

@VodkaThursday

Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Me: WHERE ARE ALL THE PHONEBOOKS?!
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?

@lincnotfound

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

@MrSpoonicorn

yells “PARKOUR” then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

@buck4itt

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.