Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

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*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house


Kid wants to sit at table, isn’t tall enough
Him: U threw them out saying, who the hell uses phone books?


amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*


Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”


yells “PARKOUR” then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance


“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.