Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
meow
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.