Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
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I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Called it
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]