Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me hitting on a model
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked