Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I want to meet the individual who made this

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

What about second breakfast?

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after