Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

I’m literally crying

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

meow

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise